Dave Wheaton shows he's a bit of a soft "tush" in this self-snapped photo.
An oddly delicate self portrait of Pigeon David (Dave) has leaked to the general public, and is causing many in the Phat Lands to scratch their heads and squint slightly. This story has developed into quite a who-knows-what. It’s like piecing together a jigsaw puzzle of a picture of a pile of jigsaw puzzle pieces, with many pieces missing – from both puzzles. There is an obvious challenge there, and you may actually even want to care, but you just can’t be bothered. Here is a comprehensive break-down of the event as it has unfolded:
- The guitarist’s brother “Bucky”, having invited Dave over for dinner, goes to the corner store and Dave, recently inspired by his favourite singer, Scarlett Johansson, makes the misguided decision to secretly steal away into his brother’s room in order to snap a ”cool, sexy shot” with his smartphone. He has since claimed that he was planning on sending it as a “hilarious email attachment” to said brother the next day. “I wasn’t drunk. I only had wine,” he said.
- Bucky returns from the store, finds Dave in his room, surprised and smiling. Buck is about to ask him what’s been going on when Dave blurts out, “I took a picture, look,” thus bringing to an end his plan for a joke email.
-Pigeon Aaron allegedly steals the smartphone the next day, finds the photo, and immediately sends it to two of their bandmates, before Dave, finally defeating his own polite manner, grabs the phone out of Aaron’s giddy hand. “Sorry, Aaron, can I have my phone back? Come on, please? Thanks, who’d you send it to, if you don’t mind me asking?” It was reportedly a very awkward moment for some, while also being a very joyous one for Aaron, who quipped “I never reveal who I am a source to.”
Dave calls Sinbad, asking “how email works, really,” and how he can figure out who the picture was sent out to. Luckily, Sinbad himself was one of the recipients. Sinbad was said to have been laughing.
-Dave immediately e-pleads with the two recipients not to post the picture, except under one condition (see below image)
E-Mail from Pigeon Dave explaining the only acceptable condition under which the photo may be used.
This was followed by an extremely long, wordy, expensive contract, sent to those involved. Dave’s Lawyer was said to have been laughing.
Letter from Dave's lawyer faxed to Pigeon Phat headquarters on Friday December 9, 2011.
In a serious human conversation with Sinbad, Dave asks if it’s possible to have the “love handles” censored instead of the more obvious “ass crack”. “Can’t we at least have them digitally reduced? Like liposuction, but on a computer.” They continue to brainstorm comical angles for the image’s use, with Wheaton constantly making sure to repeat how “embarrassed” he is, but also how “cool” he is with everything. (This blog post being the finally agreed upon comical context to come out of the meeting). Dave promises to write a good first draft, and tells Sinbad to have a good night’s sleep.
Seligman continues to be unreachable for comment. Time goes by.
The following Sunday, Sinbad makes a quick visit to the Wheaton residence to drop something off . “It was very strange. He was wearing a sweater and jogging pants, but had another sweater wrapped around his waist. I asked him why he hadn’t written anything. He mumbled a bit and went into the other room. I asked him what he found so embarrassing about the photo and he would sometimes say it was the exposed butt, but at other times, in other rooms, he’d say the exposed love handle distracted from the thrust of the piece, and that it wasn’t a matter of him being embarrassed at all. He kept waffling between the two. I don’t know. I mean, the guy obviously has body issues. Hey, I know how he feels. This one time, I was on my way to a blind date with some girl. I stopped outside the restaurant, but I couldn’t physically or emotionally bring myself to go inside, and in a moment of shamed panic (I’d just eaten a whole thing of ice cream and a big bag of frozen hash browns), I called the girl, told her I couldn’t make it inside because someone had just stolen my favourite parking spot for this specific restaurant, so I was just going to head home. She said it sounded like a weird excuse and blah, blah, blah. Finally, I just said ’Look, you know what? I’d be more than willing to date you if we could just keep it ‘blind’. Just for now! We’ll have a blind relationship! No parking!’ It didn’t work out. Anyways, whatever Man!” said Sinbad, as he went to high-five me.
Upon further research and the use of public funds, this reporter was able to retrieve the following data which illustrates the various sources of shame for Pigeon Dave:
This chart demonstrates the division of embarrassment regarding the "Arse picture" à la Scarlett J.
One could ask: Why take the picture in the first place? And then this reporter’s answer would be: It is not up to you, my dear reader, to judge what a person does in the privacy of their own sibling’s bedroom. Or why. But then you could argue: Sure, but if you leave those kinds of pictures on your smartphone which is constantly connected to several social networks, aren’t you taking a risk? And then this reporter’s reply would be: Yes, but this is not what happened, the smartphone was hacked into by a ne’er-do-well the old fashioned way – grabbing. And then you would say: Good Point. Write away!
When reached for comment, Pigeon Phat superfan and mailman Derek Burman was speechless and eventually brought up a very interesting point. “I’m still not sure what I’m looking at here, hold on.” Having never missed a Pigeon Phat concert or after-party, Burman has grown familiar with the band, and yet he struggled to make sense of it all.
“Does it not seem high? Don’t pants usually cover the butt crack? It’s like half way up his back.” – Derek Burman
Panty Lies : Could it be that Wheaton's buttock separation line continues up far beyond the accepted stoppage point? Is Wheaton a direct descendent of a sub-human simian-based evolutionary sub division characterized by lengthy rear-end cleavage? Or is it an optical illusion created by the height of the "victim's" under-garments.
When asked if the “Cheeky” image will alter his appreciation of the band, Burman said: “I don’t know, but it does seem like a desperate cry for help. Or attention, actually.” Despite understanding that the photo was never meant to be leaked, Burman still asks why the photo was taken in the first place. “It still seems strange to me that he went into his brother’s room and took that photo.” He then continued to verbally doubt that Aaron stole the phone at all, implying that the photo was released not only willingly, but purposefully, by Dave himself. This would definitely explain the email, subsequent contract, and Aaron’s silence.
Moral: If you’re going to leak a nude picture of yourself, maybe don’t do it. And if you do have to do it, and you want it to be topical and funny, don’t wait five months before leaking it.
Here are some closer close-ups:
